This is intended strictly for humor – please do not take literally. I received this in an email. Author Unknown.
How To Give A Cat A Pill
You want me to take what?
- Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
- Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws with left hand. Open jaws again and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.
- Kneel on floor with cat, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head with one hand while holding wooden ruler next to mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
- Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to hold cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, open mouth and blow down drinking straw.
- Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
- Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
- Call fire department to retrieve the cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
- Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
- Pay a professional to administer the pill to your cat.
I'm getting a treat???
How To Give A Dog A Pill
- Wrap it in bacon.
- Toss it in the air.
So there you have it!
